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Slant magazine provides some of the most pretentious, convoluted, obtuse, overwritten, horribly bad movie "reviews" I have ever read. Here's an example. Basically the author dislikes the movie for being overly sympathetic to all characters and not judgmental enough. But God forbid he come right out and say that. Instead we get Death by Adjectives and phrases like "limning a milieu with extraneous humanism," which sounds like it just came from the keys of someone who has recently discovered the thesaurus [or maybe the Increase Your Word Power! section of Reader's Digest].

As you can see [if you can make any headway in the impenetrable thicket of purple prose], the reviewers make it a point to dislike pretty much everything. Then they expound on their dislike with the grandiloquent bloviation worthy of those self-important people who think that they are too stupendous to crack jokes. To a man [and I think they're all men], they're acutely allergic to clarity of expression and direct communication of ideas. They clearly believe that, the more subordinate clauses their "reviews" have, the better they are.

I like to read stuff like this occasionally, just to roll my eyes at its egregiousness. It reminds me what not to do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a milieu that needs some limning with extraneous humanism. :p

P.S. This also brings up the question -- if you hate movies, both generally as a concept and specifically as individual films, which the writers of Slant apparently do, why write about them in the first place?
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I will never ever ever use the phrase "doing someone a solid." It sounds like you're taking a dump on someone.
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This blog is hilarious, and this is the crown jewel of the submissions: right here. I don't even know what the writer was trying to say!
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...are here encapsulated in all their perverted glory at damnyouautocorrect. brb lollin 4evr
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Fac ut vivas!

Futility Closet contains many other useless scraps of entertaining information.
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Blogger supplies multi-paragraph examples of bad writing that he has written. Tee hee!

For example:

"She looked into his eyes and saw them grinning at her. But was there something else there? A hint of trepidation, perhaps? Behind their apparent delight, what were his eyes really feeling? It was impossible to know what was going on in those eyes’ head. Was their heart truly in it?"
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Val alerted me to the fact that a rough draft of the Song of Solomon has recently been discovered. This is evidently the version that was written when the collaborators were drunk, high, feverish, hallucinatory, sleep-deprived and suffering from concussions. Read more... )

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Here it is: "artillery-laden ski pursuits." Ever since reading this phrase off the back of a video box for the Bond movie On Her Majesty's Secret Service, I've tried to worm it into my daily vocabulary as much as possible. When I'm really rich and I have extra money to throw around, I'm going to buy artilleryladenskipursuits.com just for the hell of it. That is all.

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Logorrheus: A minor demon among those that bedevil writers, Logorrheus is recognized by its bloated form full of bombast and hot air. Its skin is purple so that it may blend in with the type of prose that it feeds on. Though Logorrheus has a distinctive form, authors usually recognize the demon's presence not because they have seen the demon itself, but because they have seen its effects. Wreaking devastation upon the libraries of writers, Logorrheus consumes all manner of reference books, including dictionaries, thesauruses, style guides and Bulwer-Lytton's Least Comprehensible Poetry of the Victorian Era, then shits it out everywhere. The resultant fecal matter, which, according to observers, often smells overripe or overdone, contains linguistic abominations once thought achievable only through the unholy congress of monkeys and typewriters. To wit:

"It's for you," Japhrimel said diffidently, his eyes flaring with green fire in angular runic patterns for just a moment before returning to almost-human darkness. [Turd from The Devil's Right Hand by Lilith Saintcrow.]

Writers afflicted with Logorrheus are advised to abstain from authors that could worsen the condition, including Charles Dickens and J.R.R. Tolkien. Instead, victims of Logorrheus can repel it with frequent use of any concise, pithy writer. Especially efficacious are Ernest Hemingway [possible side effects: inflated sense of machismo, obsession with Africa] and Emily Dickinson [possible side effects: inordinate interest in bees, romantic liaisons with a mysterious "Master"].
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Nick Lowe, in an article entitled The Well-Tempered Plot Device [in an old 1986 issue of Ansible] in which he is ranting against hackneyed sci-fi/fantasy, terms worn-out literary devices [e.g., red kryptonite] as "little enemas to the Muse." HAH! Poor Muse, don't eat cliches, or you'll leak plot out your ass.

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