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modernwizard ([personal profile] modernwizard) wrote2014-01-22 07:27 pm

50 Shades of Bilge: the redux

Gather 'round, folks. I couldn't wait for my own copy of 50 Shades to materialize, so I borrowed one from the library. I'm working my way through from the beginning, commenting on whatever catches my eye, until I become bored.

P. 3: "Damn my hair -- it just won't behave, and damn Katherine Kavanaugh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal."

Look, readers -- it's our first glimpse of our endearing Everywoman protagonist, and what's she doing? Whingeing about her appearance and cursing her so-called best friend for having the temerity -- the utter chutzpah! -- to come down with a cold. Though Ana insists that she feels sympathy for Kate, she cusses her out an awful lot in the first few pages.

Ana, you stinkin' pushover -- it's not Kate's fault that you blew off your senior finals and essays to do a favor for her -- i.e., interviewing Christian Grey. It's your own dang fault for having all the gumption of a doormat. Try developing some assertiveness and the skills of saying no effectively. Establishing and maintaining personal limits and boundaries proves essential in all relationships, whether with so-called friends, family or BDSM play partners.

P. 5: "It's a stunning vista, and I'm momentarily paralyzed by the view. Wow." 

The first of many examples in which Ana's interior monologue adds nothing whatsoever to her narration.

P. 6: "I know nothing about the man I'm about to interview. He could be ninety or he could be thirty. The uncertainty is galling, and my nerves resurface, making me fidget."

Christian bankrolls Ana's university, but she doesn't even know that he's in her age bracket?! Wouldn't news of him being not only rich, but also young and handsome, travel generally around the campus? ["Yeah, that CEO -- you know, the one who's like 27 and looks like a movie star -- he just endowed another building. I'd like to see his endowments, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink."] Ana's so completely clueless that it hurts.

P. 7: "I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office. Double crap -- me and my two left feet!"

Seriously -- who says "double crap?" Who?!

P. 11: "Well, to 'chill out,' as you put it -- I sail, I fly, I indulge in various physical pursuits. ... I'm a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies."

Whoop de doo, Christian. You do realize that you've just said the equivalent of, 'I like to do things when I'm not at work. Some of the things involve vehicles, and some of them don't. All of them cost money and take up time'? In other words, you took a whole bunch of breath to say nothing.

Okay, that's enough for tonight. I'm going to work on something more entertaining.

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